Save The Golden Gate Bridge District: Jump!

The Golden Gate Bridge District needs money. Again. In their unending quest to top off their treasure chest, the District has jacked up auto tolls and overpriced the busses and ferries connecting Marin to San Francisco, meanwhile cutting back service so severely that Golden Gate Transit schedules can only be found on urban legend internet sites. The District's Poo-Bahs swear they've butchered every sacred cow they can catch and there just isn't any cash left. So, as politicians love to say when they don't want to be held responsible for what they do next, "everything" is now on the table.

Last time the District put "everything" on the table, they considered charging people to bicycle – or even walk – across the Sacred Span. That idea went down pretty quick. Cyclists would never pay and there's not a chance anyone in the District's bloated bureaucracy could catch one of our spandexed Bay Area Lances long enough to issue a ticket. Tourists might pay, after all they shell out $5 for a cable car ride, but we Bay Area Liberals already feel guilty about overcharging them for crab cups, lattes, and street mimes. More to the point, if we fleece our visitors much more we could scare them away and then where would our economy be?

As part of their latest plan to generate $$$ – call it "Everything 2.0" – the Directors are now thinking of  allowing the ever-hungry-for-propaganda megacorps to advertise on the Bay Area icon. You think they're out of good ideas? Hey duh-rectors: Bad idea. Bad bad bad! NO ADVERTISING ON THE BRIDGE!

Now, we all know these money addicts won't give up any more than a junkie contemplates quitting heroin while going through withdrawal. So what to do? Well… here's a thought. Besides the elegant style, killer views and the not-so-golden International Orange paint, what else is the bridge known for? What else about the bridge besides chronic mismanagement is always in the news?

Why, suicides, of course.

Forlorn, fed-up, pissed-off souls journey the globe looking to put an end to their personal all by hurling themselves off our most beautiful of spans. Fortunes are sacrificed to get here, families ripped askew, SUVs left to rust in the Scenic View parking lots at the bridge's ends. Nothing stops these leaping lemmings, not patrolling therapists and certainly not 'prevention' barriers.

We're talking a major draw here and it's time for the District to exploit it. Here's a scenario.

Once a week, say, Friday afternoons, the District dangles a special platform from the bridge's bay side, the jumper's departure point of choice. Safety railings fencing the platform meet at an elegant Art Deco gateway opening to the Great Wide Beyond. At the special moment – after the checks are cashed and the liability forms notarized – the gate swings open and the life-traveler soars into legend.

The Directors will assess a jumping fee, of course. And a pollution fee to compensate for unrecovered bodies, and a fee for cleanup in case an exuberant jumper accidentally splats guts over one of the bridge's concrete anchors where the sharks can't get at them. Real money, however, will be in charging spectators to watch the… uh… "departure ceremonies."

Imagine the crowds! We Bay Area Liberals may be too sensitive for public executions (so far) but if someone wants to off themselves voluntarily… hey, that's personal choice and we're all for personal choice! And anyway, bottom line is, we're Americans even if we pretend sometimes we're not, and Americans will watch anything. Consider Fear Factor and Survivor. "You get the nachos, bro, I'll bring the Bud!" Crowds will be turn-away, guaranteed. We're talking serious cash flow.

The District's directors will insist on officiating of course. There's probably no way around that, they're politicians after all. To make sure one doesn't over-speak and wreck the mood, we'll keep that International Orange deco departure gate banging open and closed behind them. If we have to sacrifice one or three directors to make the point, well, there are 19 of them. It's not like we'll run out.

A quality departure package will be essential in maintaining consumer interest and here the Bay Area's legendary diversity can help. The Golden Gate Bridge Suicide District can offer departure ceremonies designed by the endless parade of special interests that make up our beloved home.

+        New Agers! Weary of America's constant right turns? Ready for that next plane of existence? Head to your own personal left exit after an elegant sunset ceremony (catch the metaphor!) replete with Napa Chardonnay and French brie, your departure platform decorated with flowers and fruit baskets a la saison. Suggested music: Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings".

+        Mid-America gays! Tired of getting beaten up for the sin of being yourselves? Come end it all in San Francisco! After a last night on the town (including ALL the late-night hotspots) you'll be escorted to your Final Step by drag queens – Streisand and Madonna for you daddy types, Britney and Beyonce for the boys. Gyrate to "Enough is Enough" all the way down to that final splash!

+        Young lovers from other cultures! Are your parents' rigid religious views making your life hell? Eager to guilt-trip them for the rest of their earth-bound days? Hip Hop your way to a better world accompanied by a rap rendition of West Side Story's "Tonight." Choreography provided by authentic Bay Area street thugs!

Love-it-or-leave-it patriots terrified of Hillary… Entertainers one face lift past the legal limit… rabid-right politicians caught with their pants down… real estate agents despairing over the burst bubble… the marketing possibilities for a quality jumping experience are multitudinous. And just think how the District's Raj will swoon when the bucks from reality TV show tie-ins start coming in.

No worries about competition from some other bridge either. No one travels continents to jump off the Pont Neuf or the Brooklyn Bridge. The Golden Gate's the one! The ORIGINAL! Don't check out on anything less!

Mandarins of the Golden Gate Bridge Suicide District, you want bucks? Well, here's bucks. Jumpers are the answer to your wildest lucre dreams! Forget the corporate sponsors, forget the bicycle tolls. By all means, do put up those suicide barriers – can't have anyone departing this world for free after all – then seize the day! Charge some of us to jump and the rest of us to watch. You'll never run out of money again.

So much beautiful scenery! So many depressed people!

END

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As with most of my work on this site, I've published Save The Golden Gate Bridge District: Jump! with a Creative Commons license. You can print the essay but you can't rewrite it and  you can't publish it without contacting me. 

 
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please.

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